Hello everybody! In the past week i've been in a very confused mood ,that's why i haven't written in a while on my blog because i don't like to post like a robot without to feel what i write.I always put feelings in my posts so i prefered to make a pause until i recover.
I was very stressed because of my future job,i want to open a clothes shop-i think this would be a good job for me for the moment because this will give me freedom,i can miss when i can't come,i can put somebody else in my place ,it's also a passion and the most important- i will work for me because i can't have a boss,i can't be subordinate... So,i waited so much for this but until now nothing concrete happened..but i will wait more and i will leave God to decide for me.
Another thing that dissapointed me very much is my relation with some beloved persons who constantly criticize me for....trying to respect the word of God. It's incredible how this can separate people who respect each other. Many say religious people are fanatics and intolerant. I think non-religious persons are those who are intolerant because they can't accept us,they want to change us ,to live like them ,to "enjoy" life. Why can't they just "enjoy" their life and leave us alone to live our lifes as we want ?! I'm sure God gives me these persons just to test me and to grow in faith but i don't know if i can continue anymore to live with people who cannot understand and accept the way i am. I don't know how can i continue these friendships if they always insist to change my way of life, to stop fasting,to enjoy men to the fullest....i got bored to hear them calling me "nun" or names of saints,I really feel embarassed for myself and for themselves because they don't know what it means to be a nun,about saints i even don't mention anymore,. What i do is just 1 % of what a christian should do,nothing more...it's absolutely normal. But i really started to think about that,maybe my place is not here and i should live in a monastery....but then i look at the nuns and see their big efforts for God,their big faith...so i wake up and i say to myself : "no,i'm just a normal christian surrounded by wrong persons " , what i do is normal but they are far from God ...
Maybe for some people it sounds strange that a girl of my type can think at living in the monastery,but all the girls i met who had the same thoughts were exactly like me, girls who use lots of makeup,who love fashion,music, earthy things in general.
I got bored to hear that life is short and you need to live it to the fullest...yeah ,life is short so soon you might find yourself in front of your Creator and He will ask you what you did for Him...so how can these people think if life is short,then you must just have fun? The sense of happiness can have very different forms. A religious person can be happy for starving while he's fasting,he can be happy when he wakes up in the night to bring praise to God,he can be happy when he's suffering because he knows just through sufferings you can save your soul,etc. And he can considere a sad life spending it in nightclubs,drinking and having sex with as many girls/men as he/she can.
What before was called good,nowadays is called bad. This is what i feel every day.
If i will not find that religious man who loves God and tries to live by His word,that means i will never get married because day by day i realize there is no way to live with a person who does not love God,who does not accept Jesus as his Saviour .
Sometimes i feel awful,i'm between God and the world. I don't know where is my place ..to live for God or to live like in the world..I can't choose just one of them so i will always be in contradiction and in strange moods....